Soldiers are not all alike; some men have the ability and the excellent sense able to inflict the most amount of damage at the least cost. Some Officers can lose the least amount of men and know how far to go or not go. We have men like myself at 18 with no world knowledge as the before mentioned men, learning to lead in deadly times, but we have to remember my mistakes are intensified with men killed or wounded. The American Army is unique in that leadership is awarded to the next in line no matter the rank,so that a lonely private can become the leader of a firefight or battle. Most militaries, I am told, don’t work that way.

I recall after one bloody firefight and Officer by himself away from everyone wiping his eyes. This was the first time I realized that officers and leaders felt the pain of losing soldiers in their charge. I believed at the time he was close to one of his men… Later, when I was leading men that died or were wounded from my actions or lack of directions, the pain wasn’t in tears from the outside but screaming in pain on the inside. Most people don’t realize in Vietnam; that firefights could go on and on, it seems, for days. There was no rest after a firefight, no being taken out of the field with some downtime. Loading up the rucksack and heading back towards the enemy was never-ending. I look back and wonder why?

Crazy as it was it is hard to believe after a firefight the medics tending not only to our soldiers but the NVA ones that we just shot. The fear in these enemy soldiers eyes were for anyone to see. I recall helping a medic with one wounded American soldiers and enemy soldier that were side by side. With the awful feel and smell of warm blood spewing all over me from two sides, I was sick to my stomach. I was told to hold a bandage over a hole in our soldier while the other soldier was getting a tourniquet; it was a mess, the heat, the smell, and the insects; I even to this day, hate the sight of blood.

I read that after a fight in the olden days when enemy wounded soldiers were put out of their misery on the battlefields. I sometimes wondered if this was not a better method. Most people have no real idea what happens after a firefight; it is chaos with men that have lost friends, wounded soldiers to all different extremes, loading the dead. The energy level from extreme emergency to calmness drains the very essence of your body to take away any feeling of life; the lights of your eyes are off. It is hard to explain the emptiness that no movie can ever capture or create.